I’m 37 and I’m a dude. I have a two year-old daughter named Mallory — she’s not a dude. A few months back, I decided I was tired of her droppin’ bombs and wizzin’ all over herself like a big diaper wearing baby. I did a little research to formulate a potty-training plan, and concluded I would have my daughter out of diapers within 48 hours.
Once it was game time, I coached and coached and coached with confident composure. Anytime I felt like doubting myself due to my lack of vagina and zero experience peeing out of one, I fondly remembered some of histories greatest trainers and direction-givers. Similar to me and my vagina-less penis, these leaders lacked the most important attributes of the people and things that brought them accolades. For instance:
- Did Cus D’Amato possess Mike Tyson’s punishing uppercut?
- Did Lou Pearlman ever sing and jig next to Timberlake and Fatone?
- Did Scorsese win Best Director by casting himself as Frank Costello?
- Has Bob Baffert jockeyed his horses to win The Kentucky Derby?
The answer is “hell no” to all four. Years of experience and knowledge in their craft is what made them successes in their field. I was confident my 35 years of urinating into a toilet and wearing dry underwear was all I needed.
Supplies and Preparation
- 9.9 ounce sack of Reese’s Pieces.
- Squirtable 0 calorie fruit punch flavored drink enhancer (to make Mallory devour water).
- A dozen pairs of brand-new girly themed undies.
- Six rolls of extra absorbent paper towels.
- Six old towels to cover my living room couch and chair.
- Non-toxic all-purpose cleaner.
- A pile of t-shirts that fit snug (so she couldn’t pee on them).
- A healthy supply of wipes and toilet paper.
- One Minnie Mouse training toilet.
- An assortment of stickers catering to Mallory’s taste.
- A “Pottysaurus Rex” celebration sticker board I made from the box of a recently bought toy.
- A 48 hour supply of tasty food and beer to keep my spirits high, since we weren’t leaving home until we were both potty-trained.
Day 1 – Saturday, July 13th, 2019
8:20 am – Woke up and we talked about potty training. Ate breakfast while watching potty training videos for toddlers on YouTube.
10:33 am – I opened the bathroom door and turned on the light. I got the bathroom ready for potty training and told Mallory what I was doing. She then started whimpering and told me while crying “I want my dolly.” She went and got it then hugged it upside down while standing in the middle of her room looking worried.
10:54 am – Went to Walmart for extra paper towels and stain remover cleaner. Talked more about potty training while at Walmart.
11:28 am – Went outside to the park before we came home to begin the potty-training-48-hours-indoors lockdown fun.
1:34 pm – Arrived home. Put Frozen Elsa underwear on Mallory. Told her what to expect and how to handle it. Started today with 8 brand new pairs of Frozen underwear and a four pack of generics.
1:43 pm – Mal’ tells me she has to peepee in the potty. I take off her undies to find she already started in them. Then she doesn’t do a drop on her toilet. On to underwear pair number two for the day.
2:20 pm – She tries and quits multiple times with no peeing happening. Lays on the floor sulking, repeating “I don’t wanna do potty trainin’ today.”
2:42 pm – Already through three pairs of undies and one puddle of urine on the floor.
3:06 pm – Cuatro pairs peed in. For pair five, I gave her another pair of Elsa undies. But this time I told her “these are special Elsa undies and they can’t get peepee in them because Elsa doesn’t like getting peepee on her.”
3:12 pm — She tells me she has to peepee on the potty, THEN DOES!!! Special Elsa undies dry! We celebrate like Teen Wolf did in the district championship game.
3:23 pm — Miss Mallory tells me again she has to go peepee in the potty. Her magical Elsa undies are still dry and she goes in the potty for the 2nd time! We celebrate with more excitement than Kevin McCallister after severely injuring a Wet Bandit.
3:38 pm — She tells me she has to “pee-pee in the potty,” then does for a third time in a row! We are both overjoyed, as you can see in this home movie.
After our celebration, she tells me “Elsa doesn’t like peepee on her.” I make it rain Reece’s Pieces.
3:52 pm — Mallory tells me its time once again, and it was. Getting her to take off her own undies then keep them around her ankles is still a work in progress. She prefers commando as of now. Also, finally got her to add washing her hands to her potty routine.
3:59 pm – I’ve been loading her up with water disguised as fruit punch, thanks to those 0 calorie flavor squirts for your bottled water. #PeepeeFest2019
4:36 pm – My daughter tells me “I need to clean you up” as I’m doing the dishes. I assumed she was referencing me cleaning the kitchen until she said “let’s change your shirt and go in there” (pointing towards my room where I have always changed her diaper). It’s then I notice that the back of her underwear looks like two Ferrero Rocher chocolates are chillin’ next to her butt cheeks. The “Ferrero Rocher’s” are tiny crap logs, which is also smeared down her right leg.
I clean her up, then tell Mallory she had an accident and that mistakes happen, but accidents in your pants aren’t OK since peepee and poopoo ONLY go in the potty. We high-fived and moved on.
4:54 pm – “I’m gonna go peepee in the potty!” I responded with “sweet, there’s the potty!” I had to take her undies off but she did the rest on her own with no issues. I still need to figure out how I incorporate wiping her privates into all of this.
5:06 pm – “I wanna peepee on the potty.” She does.
5:08 pm – “I wanna go peepee on the potty again!” She does, except this time she falls backwards off her training potty, which cracks the back/ lid off of the Minnie training toilet. She then picks up the potty and hands it up me, a quarter filled with her urine.
5:13 pm – She won’t let me put her undies back on her (pair six). Tells me she has to go peepee in the potty. Goes back and forth three times from sitting on her potty not peeing, to sitting naked in her doll’s stroller. She then decides she doesn’t have to pee and her underwear can come back on.
5:21 pm – Continues to ask for Reese’s Pieces and I continue to give them to her. At the beginning of the day I told her she could have Reese’s Pieces after every time she used the potty. Trust and accountability goes both ways in a successful player-coach relationship.
5:33 pm – She’s fired-up from the Eminem songs on Youtube and the sugar fest. Only stops jumping on my bed to ask for more Reese’s Pieces.
5:58 pm – Tells me she wants to go peepee on the potty. I try to stay in the bathroom with her but she tells me I have to go clean-up in the kitchen. I abide by her wishes, as it’s clear that after four hours of peeing on the potty, I’m beginning to invade her privacy.
6:57 pm – I think this is beginning to become routine for her as she decides to go pee on the potty on her own. Aside from her calling for me to help her with her undies, this was all her. She goes, gets up like nothing new happened, and we high-five. No request for Reece’s Pieces or stickers, just back to watching Wham’s “Careless Whisper” music video.
7:33 pm – Went by herself but got stuck getting her undies off of her butt. I had to help her with that, but that was it. She then washed her hands for so long that I had to carry her away from the sink.
8:39 pm – After her bath, I put on a pair of pull-ups because a 3-day potty training book said to. Right as I got them pulled up she said “what happened?!” then started crying while trying to tug them down. I asked her what was wrong and she told me “I don’t want those, I want my Frozen underwear.” She next told me “I have to go peepee before bed.” After that, I put on a pair of her Frozen underwear, her Moana jammies, and she asked to go to bed. I let her know if she had to peepee to yell out for me tonight and she said she would… Altogether, it looks like she ate 7 of the 9.9 ounces of Reece’s Pieces, or roughly half a pound.
Day 2 — Sunday, July 14th, 2019
7:12 am – I purposely wake up this early in case she had an accident, but I don’t hear a peep. She’s still sleeping soundly, I assume with dry undies.
9:30 am – She is still sleeping so I wake her up to prevent any accidents. I notice a pee circle on her sheets. She must’ve peed in her sleep, because she got up and went straight to her Minnie potty then pees for a minute straight.
9:31 am to 3:33 pm – Successfully pees on the potty a handful of times. No accidents, just continued practice on her bathroom routine.
3:33 pm – She still hasn’t taken a dump today, but has eaten lots of food. Approaching the poo-less 24 hour mark. I know she will be dropping bombs soon but hoping it’s in the Minnie crapper and not on Elsa’s face.
3:34 pm to 7:57 pm – a lot of peeing on the potty with no new developments. The only odd occurrence came when I put shorts on her for the first time with underwear. She told me “it hurts” and “you wanna pick you up? (do I want to pick her up).” I explained to her that she’s used to wearing shorts with a diaper, so now that she’s wearing undies, her clothes will feel different on her.
7:58 pm – Mallory came running to me while I was watching tv on my bed shouting “I went poopoo on the potty and peepee! I went poopoo! Wanna see?!!!” She did this all by herself with no help from me. She never even told me she was going to the bathroom. I’m a very proud Dad with how dedicated she has been to becoming potty trained and delighted at her understanding of the whole process.
Mallory was successfully potty-trained in less than 36 hours. She never wore a diaper again after our two-day bathroom boot camp. However, there were still some underwear accidents and challenges ahead of us. As long as you have a “there’s no turning back” mindset, keep the mood positive, and congratulate every correct behavior, it all slowly comes together.
It will take your kid months to correctly unite every intricacy of using the bathroom consistently. Don’t expect your kid to immediately have the bladder control of Clark Griswold driving the Family Truckster. When they tell you they have to use the bathroom, take them.
Be prepared to assist in wiping for a while after they learn to use the toilet. My daughter still isn’t able to properly wipe both her front or backside the way she should every time. She even gave herself a urinary tract infection recently, from wiping back to front without me noticing.
If you have two consecutive free days to do nothing but clean up your kid’s urine, and you can stay composed if they drop a deuce in the middle of your house, I would strongly endorse this potty-training method. You absolutely have to be patient, prepared, and dedicated to sticking it out.
Every annoyance you’ll run into, or puddle of piss you’ll wipe up is well worth it. 48 challenging hours ended up being quite rewarding once we hit our goal. Slowly drawing the process out for weeks — or even months — would seem to only add stress to our lives as parents, our kid’s lives, and the lives of anyone who has to watch them.
Once your child is potty-trained, be ready for them to find your usage of the toilet absolutely fascinating. Amongst other things, they will sneak up and ask to watch you when you thought you were peeing in private. I had to always be on guard. I’m not ready to explain what I’m peeing out of to my daughter yet.
They will ask you “are you going poopoo” every time you are sitting on a toilet. They will ask you if they can see it (your crap in the toilet) when you’re trying to wipe. I’ve even had Mallory ask to sit on my lap while I was handling business.
Locking the bathroom door won’t even help you escape their invasion to your bathroom privacy. They will stick their fingers under the door or talk under it, repeating your name while asking if you’re going poopoo or peepee.
Ignoring them doesn’t work either. It only turns them into a broken record, asking “Daddy (or Mommy) are you in there?” You’ll eventually give-in and answer back — either while scream-shitting at them, or by calmly sighing back “yes.”
Stay calm. You’ve got this.
Published: 1/11/2020. Copyright © 2020 TheDadaDADiest.com