The Mean Streets of Magic Kingdom

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Well hello there and thanks for joining us at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom! Pictured below, me and my daughter are leaving the character concert at Cinderella’s Castle. Never before in my life have I related so much to a worm who’s slowly baking to death on a hot sidewalk.

Next, we hopped on a ride that had shade and required me to walk nowhere — The People Mover. As we passed Cinderella’s Castle, my daughter asked “how come we never saw any fireworks over the castle?”
Every Magic Kingdom commercial portrays an almost frightening, fireworks fantasy-fest when showing Cinderella’s mansion, so her question was valid.

This inspired me to investigate a little deeper into Disney’s lies…

What I discovered was more disgusting than eating one the park’s turkey legs…

Space Mountain never has and never will go to space.

..And there is no mountain...

I know what you’re thinking, and believe me, I wish I was kidding too.

Sadly, it seems that generations of Space Mountain enthusiasts have not been the mountain-Sherpa-astronauts they once believed they were.

Names like, “Earth Warehouse” or “The Dimly-Lit Indoor Roller Coaster That Never Leaves This Building” are more appropriate monikers for this lying hoax of a coaster.

To put into perspective the vast magnitude of this crock-of-shit lie that Disney has sold us on, here’s a list of some of America’s best liars.

America’s longest ongoing lies/ liars of the last half-century

4.) Los Angeles born, Miss Cleo, being a trusted Jamaican psychic: 1997 – 2003 (6 years).

3.) Pete Rose denying he gambled on MLB: 1989 – 2010 (21 years).

2) O.J. Simpson claiming his innocence in a double-homicide case: 1994 – present (over 25 years).

1.) Disney marketing a rollercoaster as a ride through a mountain in outer-space: 1975 – present (over four decades).

Feeling weak from trotting Disney’s scorching-hot, brick-pizza-oven-esque sidewalks, and the shock-inducing truth I had recently discovered, I knew I had to eat. It didn’t take long to figure out that Disney knew I was on to them… An undercover agent showed up to watch my every move at lunch.

I know how you feel, gorilla.
Here’s me feeling like I’m eating inside of a zoo exhibit. This lady (who is a complete stranger), stone-cold stared at me my entire meal.
If my daughter wasn’t sitting to my left, I would have asked this lady — “Hey, quick question. Have you ever noticed that where your left forearm meets your triceps, it looks like Homer Simpson’s mouth?”

Next, I had a tough decision to make: humor my daughter regarding her incorrect statement, or plummet her enthusiasm by telling her the truth… I decided being honest with her was most important.


Me: “Ooof. Unfortunately, Sweetie, that’s someone else. No one in the history of Earth has ever liked Fantasia.”

FantasiaRated B

Me to Daughter: “OK, you can say ‘hi’ to Buzz, but I don’t want you touching him. I’ve heard he’s possessive and doesn’t let kids go until he’s tasered.”
Buzz Lightyear: “How about a fist bump, Space Ranger?!”


Once I got my daughter free, I realized the mean streets of Magic Kingdom were just too much.

It was time to find our car and leave.

After walking 4.7 miles back to the gates, we boarded a tram for three miles, then traveled up-and-down a handful of escalators and walked up a three level ramp to wait for another tram ride. After the second tram trip, we walked down another three level ramp crammed tight with sweaty strangers and we arrived at the foot of Magic Kingdom’s cornfield-sized parking lot where we walked another .6 miles to arrive at our car.

On the commute home, I sat in gridlock 100 yards from my parking spot and reflected on our visit to Disneyworld. I knew I had experienced something one-of-a-kind.

Never before had I been to a place so magical that once inside, it reduced the value of our national currency by an estimated 3x and everyone was cool with it.

Nowhere else before had I tip-toed the borderline of heat stroke, just to watch adults dance around in stuffed animal costumes and lip-sync without moving mouths.

Never before had I felt like a zoo animal while washing down my lunch with a kinda-cold $8.75 bottle of Dasani water.

And who woulda known that this special place could fraudulently advertise a trip to space, and get away with it for so many years? I sure didnt.

It was then that I thought back to Buzz Lightyear and how heartbroken he must’ve been once he realized the same truth. His relentless hugs all made sense now. His reality was he would never hug his family again. Space Mountain was never taking him home to his galaxy.

Buzz’s situation sadly reminded me of a space creature who also couldn’t go home back in the 1980’s — E.T… If you’re not familiar with who E.T. was, I’ll catch you up.

E.T. was an alcoholic alien who was left behind on Earth by his fellow species after their exploration mission was through. His spaceship left without him — most likely because of how annoying of a drunk he was.

E.T., now homeless, squats in a suburban family’s house by manipulating a little boy, which divides the household due to the chaotic secrecy his squatting creates. Soon after, Federal agents raid the family’s home due to the constant ruckus E.T. creates as their roommate, all while E.T. slowly drinks himself to the brink of death.

Best of luck to you, Buzz. If E.T. found a way off the streets, I know you can too. The mean streets of Magic Kingdom is no place to call your home. To infinity and beyond.

Inspired by a 2019 trip to Disney World. Published: 1/11/2020. Copyright © 2020