Well hello there and thanks for joining us at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom! Pictured below, me and my daughter are leaving the character concert at Cinderella’s Castle. Never before in my life have I related so much to a worm who’s slowly baking to death on a hot sidewalk.
To put into perspective the vast magnitude of this crock-of-shit lie that Disney has sold us on, here’s a list of some of America’s best liars.
America’s longest ongoing lies/ liars of the last half-century
Feeling weak from trotting Disney’s scorching-hot, brick-pizza-oven-esque sidewalks, and the shock-inducing truth I had recently discovered, I knew I had to eat. It didn’t take long to figure out that Disney knew I was on to them… An undercover agent showed up to watch my every move at lunch.
Next, I had a tough decision to make: humor my daughter regarding her incorrect statement, or plummet her enthusiasm by telling her the truth… I decided being honest with her was most important.
Daughter: “LOOK, DADDY, OVER THERE! I THINK THAT’S THE ONLY PERSON ON EARTH WHO LIKES THE MOVIE FANTASIA!!!”
Me: “Ooof. Unfortunately, Sweetie, that’s someone else. No one in the history of Earth has ever liked Fantasia.”
Fantasia — Rated B
Once I got my daughter free, I realized the mean streets of Magic Kingdom were just too much.
It was time to find our car and leave.
After walking 4.7 miles back to the gates, we boarded a tram for three miles, then traveled up-and-down a handful of escalators and walked up a three level ramp to wait for another tram ride. After the second tram trip, we walked down another three level ramp crammed tight with sweaty strangers and we arrived at the foot of Magic Kingdom’s cornfield-sized parking lot where we walked another .6 miles to arrive at our car.
On the commute home, I sat in gridlock 100 yards from my parking spot and reflected on our visit to Disneyworld. I knew I had experienced something one-of-a-kind.
Never before had I been to a place so magical that once inside, it reduced the value of our national currency by an estimated 3x and everyone was cool with it.
Nowhere else before had I tip-toed the borderline of heat stroke, just to watch adults dance around in stuffed animal costumes and lip-sync without moving mouths.
Never before had I felt like a zoo animal while washing down my lunch with a kinda-cold $8.75 bottle of Dasani water.
And who woulda known that this special place could fraudulently advertise a trip to space, and get away with it for so many years? I sure didn‘t.
It was then that I thought back to Buzz Lightyear and how heartbroken he must’ve been once he realized the same truth. His relentless hugs all made sense now. His reality was he would never hug his family again. Space Mountain was never taking him home to his galaxy.
Buzz’s situation sadly reminded me of a space creature who also couldn’t go home back in the 1980’s — E.T… If you’re not familiar with who E.T. was, I’ll catch you up.
E.T. was an alcoholic alien who was left behind on Earth by his fellow species after their exploration mission was through. His spaceship left without him — most likely because of how annoying of a drunk he was.
E.T., now homeless, squats in a suburban family’s house by manipulating a little boy, which divides the household due to the chaotic secrecy his squatting creates. Soon after, Federal agents raid the family’s home due to the constant ruckus E.T. creates as their roommate, all while E.T. slowly drinks himself to the brink of death.
Best of luck to you, Buzz. If E.T. found a way off the streets, I know you can too. The mean streets of Magic Kingdom is no place to call your home. To infinity and beyond.
Inspired by a 2019 trip to Disney World. Published: 1/11/2020. Copyright © 2020 TheDadaDADiest.com