Rosanna the Elf: Wild Nights, Hidden Days, & Selfies on Shelfies

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This year, an unnamed Elf began paying my daughter a visit every morning. On the first morning, the elf whispered to me that she was very sad because her rotten elf parents never gave her a name.

Wanting to help, I asked my little girl: “what should we name this elf?!?… THE ELF?!?ELFVIS?!?!… ELFVIRA?!?!” Without even giving my dadjoke names a courtesy fake laugh or smirk, she replied: “mmmm, how ‘bout Rosanna?!”

BOOM! Just like that, it all clicked. Rosanna the Elf had an identity and my two year-old daughter could continue her obsession with a 37 year-old Toto song. The lyrics “all I wanna do when I wake up in the morning is see your eyes. Rosanna, Rosanna” finally made sense.

Rosanna’s beautiful blues are wondrous… They make it easy to forget that she’s a creepbag Peeping Tom on a mission to snitch on us to Santa.

Pictured here are #RosannaTheElf’s first four visits. I’ve never lived with an elf before, but I was beginning to think Rosanna was an unenthusiastic, snoozer-elf who lacked creativity. I decided to give her a pep talk. I told her to live life to the fullest and to make herself at home here.
Rosanna listened to my advice. On morning five, Rosanna made The Easter Bunny hop his broke ass outta here with nothing but the egg in his lap.
It became apparent that Rosanna holds West Coast affiliations and has really cool friends.
Me: “Wait! Let me get this straight… You’re a card shark… with street cred’… WHO also cooks?!?! ROSANNA MICHELLE CLAUS! Will you marry me?!?!”

We woke up to Rosanna dominating Michael Jordan in a game of one-on-one, all but cementing the order of basketball’s G.O.A.T. list.
1.) Rosanna the Elf.
2.) Michael Jeffrey Jordan.
3.) Kobe Bryant.
4.) Allen Iverson
5.) Shaquille O’Neal
6.) Scottie Pippen
7.) Hedo Turkoglu
8.) Lebron James

Not only does Rosanna remember to stalk us every day, but she also remembers birthdays!!!

Right from the get-go, Rosanna won over the hearts of our two pooches…

Talk about shocked, Spanky usually hates baths! I guess not anymore as long as Rosanna’s gentle, toy-building fingers are doing the washing.

In a selfless act of bravery, Rosanna rushed up to the swamp on top of our fan and saved the malnourished runt of Spanky’s litter.
Rosanna was a Christmas-Chameleon this morning! She hid from the paparazzi (me) in my daughter’s stocking, well disguised in dark sunglasses. We only found our elusive elf because we kept hearing the crinkling of newspaper pages turning, coming from somewhere around the stocking wall.
We both woke up surprised to find Rosanna in the middle of a shotgun wedding with basketball Hall of Famer, Scottie Pippen. Pip’ must be whipped if he’s cool using one of his NBA championship rings for his elf’s wedding band… Don’t be using my bed while I’m at work, ya “honeymoon stage” freaks!
Next, my daughter and I got up just in time to see the newlyweds, Scottie & Rosanna Pippen, being introduced on Ellen! Ellen even cut Katy Perry’s interview short to get America’s newest power-couple on!!!
In the middle of the night I woke up suddenly to loud bass and the words “no Grey Goose if ya don’t get loose” being rapped from my speakers. I am VERY thankful that rap music always wakes me up because I DO NOT want my daughter seeing this new side of Rosanna. Dancing all up-and-down the North Pole for her new groom at a gentlemen’s club in the middle of the kitchen, where any stuffed animal can see isn’t what I expected from our out-of-control, horndog elf.
I immediately drove Rosanna home from the club. I grounded her with no Scottie for a week!
I then ordered her to take a bath in steaming hot holy water before tucking her into bed. I made her pinky-swear on both of her mittens that my precious child would never know about this freakydeeky night of hers.

Unbullievabull!!! I caught Scottie’s sneaky little ass trying to come over after the club, even though he knew his wife was grounded. #absoluteBULLShit

Speaking of #BULLShit, after Rosanna’s week-long grounding, the Pippen’s decided to blow off some steam by recreating when Scottie — a Bull — shat all over the Knicks’ #33 Patrick Ewing at the rim. They even did the part where Pip’ shoves Ewing down to the court like he’s a giant bitch, then tells Spike Lee to “shut the phuckgupp and sit the phuckdown.” This dunk told the world there’s only one number 33 that matters in Chicago Stadium, much like there being only one number 33 in Rosanna’s heart.
On December 21st, the Pippen’s arrived at their warm, bright, cliff-side honeymoon destination — The Topofmymicro Wave Islands. For the next three nights, they spent their honeymoon sunbathing on the beautiful black sands of Vent Beach, partaking in limbo contests at luaus, and exploring the mysterious trails, caverns, and artifacts of the two Cabinetsidontuse Caves.
On Christmas Eve night, they packed up their basketball and Scottie hopped onto Rosanna’s back. With nothing more than a tiny giggle from Rosanna, the couple took flight and were gone. They shot through the crisp December air like a whistling dart, on their journey back home to the North portion of my master bathroom linen closet.

P.s. after Christmas 2020, I may have to ask Santa if Rosanna can permanently move in with us. My daughter has asked and talked about Mrs. Pippen multiple times a day, every day that I have spent with her since Christmas.

2021 may see Rosanna expanding her role as a snitch into…

  • Rosanna the Ball Dropping NYE Elf
  • Rosanna the MLK Day Elf
  • Rosanna the Love Dart Shooting Sister of Cupid
  • Rosanna the St. Patrick’s Day Leprechaun
  • Rosanna the Easter Elf
  • Rosanna the Tequila Trashed Cinco de Mayo Bimbo Elf
  • Rosanna the sister of Uncle Sam Independence Day Elf
  • Rosanna the “I’m dressing up as an Elf for Halloween” Elf
  • Rosanna the Bonnet Wearing Pilgrim Woman Elf
  • and most importantly, Rosanna the Security Guard Elf. This will explain her attendance for all of the days in-between holidays, before December arrives.


Published: 1/11/2020. Copyright © 2020